Challenge 4: Learning how to deal with disappointments

Everybody has to deal with big and small disappointments in their life. It might be difficult to find a house, your parents might not always understand you, and choices might not work out the way you thought they would. You can’t control everything. Sometimes, this is difficult to deal with, especially when you think you have to make the most of life and that you are supposed to be happy all the time.

Today you will focus on your thoughts when you experience disappointment and how to adjust your expectations. You will also get tips on how to accept disappointments.

Assignment 1. Create helpful thoughts

Sometimes things don’t turn out how you expected, and this can give you a bad feeling. But did you know that these feelings are usually caused by how you think about the situation? In other words, if you create helpful thoughts, the way you feel will probably improve.

For example:

You failed your exam. This makes you think ‘I should have worked harder. My parents probably think I don’t work hard enough.’ This gives you the feeling that you failed and makes you sad. These thoughts are not helpful. It’s also possible to think about the situation differently. For example: ‘It’s okay that I didn’t pass this exam. I tried my best, but it was a bit too difficult for now. I will probably do better at the resit.’ Or ‘I passed most exams, it’s okay that I didn’t pass this one.’ These thoughts don’t change the situation, but you will probably feel a lot better about it. It’s a good idea to think about how your thoughts are linked to your feelings and behavior. Then, you can turn your negative thoughts, which lead to negative feelings, into helpful thoughts which give you a better feeling.
 

Assignment

In the following week, take some time to think about situations in which you experience unwanted feelings. You can also think back at an earlier situation. Try to challenge your thoughts, by asking yourself the following questions:

• Is this thought really true? Am I exaggerating?
• If what I think is true, what would that mean?
• Why would it be bad if it were true? How can I deal with that situation? Now or later, would I be able to cope with the situation?
   

Assignment 2. Adjust your expectations

If you regularly deal with disappointments, you might set very high expectations for yourself. For example, finding a house immediately in this housing crisis, earning a lot of money when you just started working, or going abroad on holiday three times per year when you are still a student, are not realistic expectations. Setting the right expectations can save you a lot of frustration later.

But how do you transform unrealistic expectations into realistic ones? The following assignment will help you:

• Grab a pen and paper or download this pdf. Make a list of 5 of your expectations. For each expectation, write down what the situation is like now.
• Compare your expectations with the actual situation. What stands out? Are your expectations realistic? Rewrite your expectations but make them more realistic.
   

Tip to help you learn how to accept disappointments

When you experience disappointment, you might not want to experience the connected negative feelings, such as annoyance, sadness, and anger. You want to do everything to change these feelings. But it’s likely that this attitude causes you to give more attention to the problem which led to these negative feelings in the first place. This gives the problem a lot of importance and might make it bigger than it really is.

Mindfulness is an exercise focused on attention, aimed to help you get closer to how you feel without judgement or changes in behavior. You accept situations the way they are and create space to see the situation from a different perspective. By practicing this process, you will live more intensely, and, at the same time, it will be easier to relax.

Have you recently dealt with disappointment? Take a moment to pay attention to this experience. Let all your thoughts and feelings be as they are, and don’t think about what you can do to change it. It’s okay if you feel let down! Try to look at the situation from a distance without making a judgement about it. You will notice that the problem becomes less dominant, and that you save a lot of energy by not judging and accepting the situation as it is.

Do you find this difficult the first time? No need to panic! It often takes time to change the way you deal with situations. But by practicing mindfulness regularly, you will notice that you will get better at it.

And remember it’s impossible to always feel happy. There will always be situations which you don’t like or which cause disappointment. That’s just part of life.

Do you feel a lot of pressure to perform, and do you want personal help or advice? Reach out (anonymously) to one of our staff members at our helpdesk MIND Korrelatie. You can call, chat, Whatsapp, or e-mail with one of our psychologists or social workers.